It’s Not Criticism, It’s Encouragement.

Monday signals the beginning of many monotonous rituals. The same old commute to/from work, the same old office, the same old issues and problems that need to be dealt with and the same old hate for the Friday version of yourself (The arsehole) that has truly fucked the Monday version of you over with their blasé ‘I’ll worry about it next week’ attitude. Perhaps an inspirational lunch will break up some of the monotony? *Sigh*. Sadly, not for me.

                This morning I requested a Cheese, Lettuce and Tomato sandwich with Mayonnaise from my beloved other (To be clear we take it in turns to make each other sandwiches for work so I’m not like some kind slave driving chauvinist, I’m merely critiquing her sandwich making abilities as it’s the only way she can improve in the future when it’s her turn. Not like I’m being a Dick or anything).

                Immediate disappointment set in as I took my very first bite, sadly there was no tomato forth coming.  I believe the tomato adds a certain juiciness to the sandwich, which I highly enjoy, also if our charming, fence-sitting, Italian cousins have taught us nothing else, it’s that cheese and tomato (Margerhita) complement each other splendidly.

It is widely acknowledged that they exisist.

An Artist’s Impression of a Tomato: It is widely acknowledged that they do exist.

After recovering from my initial tomato-less disappointment, I proceeded to my next bite. I could barely contain the frustration boiling within me. I realised that the cheese was so thinly sliced it was virtually transparent. Had a Glazier been around at that point, he could have whipped the sliced cheese from my sandwich and replaced the windows in the office with it.

One can not help but feel perhaps the Earth’s mayonnaise supplies have suddenly come under threat or so that seems to be the impression that my significant other has. I am struggling to comprehend any other reason for her need to ration me such meagre amounts of the condiment I do so love.

However, it wasn’t all doom and gloom. The lettuce was fresh, crisp and adequately portioned. I doth my cap to her, I cannot stress enough how impressed I was with my girlfriend’s lettuce distribution.

The joy of the lettuce was somewhat short lived as I glanced at the accompaniment to the sandwich. It was a bag of Spicy Tomato Wheat Crunchies, which felt like a slap in the face considering the actual tomato she negated to put in to my sandwich. I won’t take it as a direct insult, but what should have been a delicious wheat based tangy side, instead left are rather bitter taste in my mouth.

An honest mistake or a subconcious gesture of contempt?

An honest mistake or a subconsious gesture of contempt?

It wasn’t her worst effort by a long shot but it’s just frustrating when I know the sandwich making potential she has locked within. Just by taking on board the points I have made in this review, a little more concentration and an all round more concerted effort, she could perhaps join me up here on this sandwich maker’s pedestal.

Final Score: I’m in a good mood (Despite my lunch). I give her a generous 3 imaginary tomatoes out of 5 imaginary tomatoes